I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
