i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
