so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
