I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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