you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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