you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
