I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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