how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
