I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
