Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You can't motorboat a personality
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
