New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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