I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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