I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
True strength comes from lack of pants
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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