She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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