Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
