I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
