eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
