I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
