Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Fuck appropriateness.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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