i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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