i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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