You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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