My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
