I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
