So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
