Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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