Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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