I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Bring me that man meat
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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