So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
