Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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