She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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