needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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