In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
