2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
