nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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