i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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