Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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