I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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