you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
