i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
