My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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