a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
operation harelip BJ is a go
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
