I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
