Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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