This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
