I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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