If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
