the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
