so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
