Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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