Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
