Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
