So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
