based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
