felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize