well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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