i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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