god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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