The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
